Harry Potter Hits Broadway
by Magical Me
Summary: This is really just an excuse to post a few songs I corrupted into Harry Potter-dom. Still, I personally think it's worth a read. Oh, wait, I wrote it, huh?


Harry Potter Hits Broadway  
  
Originally, this was supposed to be a story in the third person about Harry, Ron, Hermione, and a few other people they happened to meet along the way. However, I really didn't like the way the story was turning out, so I decided to do it this way instead. Got it? Good. Anyway, this is sort of an excuse to let the world see a few of the songs I thought Harry Potter characters would sing of themselves and their lives if given the chance. I apologize in advance if it's a somewhat excruciating read. Sorry.  
  
***  
I don't really know what made me decide to write a musical. After all, the books were popular enough, and with the movies and merchandise out...but anyway, I did, and that's that. And it was a sell-out, too.   
  
Of course, I had to change the storyline a bit, and I think that upset people. But honestly, what could I do? There was no real way I could make a Voldemort show up on stage realistically. Besides, I think Harry's relatives, the Dursleys, made perfectly nice villains. They had the perfect combination of heartlessness, evil, and ill will toward Harry. And there were a heck of a lot more song options if I chose them.   
  
***  
Kill the Wizards! Er..Beasts  
To be sung by Vernon, Petunia, Dudley, and Marjorie Dursley  
  
Vernon: We're not safe until they're dead!  
  
Marge: They'll come stalking us at night!  
  
Petunia: Set to sacrifice our Dudleykins to their magical appetites!  
  
Dudley: They'll wreak havoc on our kitchen if they're left to wander free!  
  
Vernon: So it's time to take some action, boy, it's time to follow me!   
Through the lake, through the wood, through the darkness and the shadows. It a nightmare, but it's one exciting ride. Say a prayer, and we're there at the drawbridge of a castle, and there's something truly terrible inside. They're all beasts!  
  
Marge: Sporting wands!  
  
Petunia: You must stop them!  
  
Dudley: Let's barge in while they're having a feast!  
  
Vernon: Let them curse, let them moan, but we're not coming home till they're dead! Good and dead! Kill the beasts!  
  
Marge: Light your torch!  
  
Dudley: Eat...er, mount your horse!  
  
Vernon: Screw your courage to the sticking place!  
  
Petunia: We're counting on Vernon to lead the way.  
Through a lake, through a wood, where within a haunted castle there lie ghosts and such you don't see every day.  
  
Marge: They're all beasts!  
  
Vernon: One's as tall as a mountain!  
  
Dudley: We won't feast 'til they're good and deceased! (hey, that rhymes!)  
  
Petunia: Sally forth!  
  
Marge: Tally ho!  
  
Vernon: Grab a sword!  
  
Dudley: Veal bone!  
  
All: Praise the lord and here we go! We don't like what we don't understand, in fact it scares us and this monster is mysterious at least.  
  
Marge: Bring your guns!  
  
Dudley: Forks and knives!  
  
Petunia: Save your children and your wives!  
  
Vernon: We'll save the world and all our lives!  
  
All: We'll kill the beasts!  
  
Petunia: Hearts ablaze.  
  
Marge: Banners high.  
  
Vernon: We go marching into battle-  
  
Dudley: Rumbling tummies, for my hunger's just increased!  
  
Petunia: Raise the flag!  
  
Marge: Sing the song!  
  
Vernon: Here we come, we're pretty strong!  
  
All: And four fine Brits just can't be wrong! Good and dead! Kill the beasts!  
  
***  
A good percentage of all successful Broadway plays involve love. So I decided to throw some in. The obvious problem was, who should be the love interest for our darling boy wonder?   
  
Hermione Granger was my first thought. I thought maybe a romance between two main characters would appeal to the audience. But in the end, I thought it might be a bit too flat for the plot line I'd designed. So, I decided on using Harry's long-term crush, Cho Chang.   
  
Love is all very well and good, but love on the stage, if there's no problem posed, can tend to be, well, boring. To fix this new dilemma, I changed Cho into a-hmm, what's that word again-ah yes. I changed Cho Chang into a sort of scarlet woman (thank you Ron, for your brilliant usage of the English language). In my play, Cho toyed with the affections of our Harry, while all the while in love with a nameless Ravenclaw boy. Poor Cedric. She got over him so very quickly.  
  
***  
Oops! I Did It Again  
To be sung by Cho Chang  
  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.  
  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.  
  
I think I did it again.   
  
I made you believe we were more than just friends.  
  
Oh Harry  
  
It might seem like a crush  
  
But that doesn't mean   
  
That I'm serious.  
Cause to lose all my senses  
  
That is just so typically me.  
  
Oh Harry Potter.  
  
Chorus:  
  
Oops! I did it again.   
  
I played with your heart,  
  
Got lost in the game  
  
Oh Harry, Harry  
  
Oops! You think I'm in love  
  
That I'm sent from above.  
  
I'm not that innocent.  
  
You see my problem is clear.  
  
I was dreaming away  
  
Wishing that heroes would truly exist.  
  
And then, I thought of you.  
  
So I started to fool  
  
In a matter of days.  
  
But to lose all my senses  
  
That is just so typically me  
  
Harry, oh!  
  
Chorus: repeat  
  
Oops!...I did it again to   
  
Your heart  
  
Got lost in my game  
  
Young Harry  
  
Oops!...you think that I'm sent   
  
from above  
  
I'm not that innocent.  
  
Chorus: repeat  
***  
  
The next thing my play needed was a somewhat comedic character to lighten the atmosphere. I read the books over and over again in search of the perfect person.   
  
Peeves? Nah, too annoying, and I didn't suppose the parents would like anything he'd have to say. Sir Cadogan? No, I didn't suppose a picture would be too easy to fit into the story. And then, it hit me. I would use Gilderoy Lockhart. Dimwitted, self-appreciating, and an all-around perfect nuisance. Sometimes I just outdo myself.   
***  
  
I Touch Myself  
To be sung by Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
I love myself.  
  
I want you to love me.  
  
When I'm feelin' down  
  
I want you above me.  
  
I search myself.  
  
I want you to find me.  
  
I forget myself  
  
I want you to remind me.  
  
Chorus:  
  
I don't want anybody else.  
  
When I think about me I touch myself.  
  
I don't want anybody else.  
  
Oh no, oh no, oh no!  
  
I'm the one who makes you come running.  
  
I'm the sun who makes you shine.  
  
When I'm around, your life's worth living.  
  
And I am mine, all mine!  
  
I close my eyes  
  
And see me before me.  
  
Think I would die  
  
If anyone ignored me.  
  
A fool could see  
  
How the world adores me.  
  
Get down on your knees  
  
You'd do anything for me.  
  
Chorus  
  
You want me.  
  
Not anybody else.  
  
And when I think about me  
  
I touch myself.  
  
Ohohoh.  
  
Chorus  
***  
  
And yet my story still seemed incomplete. I sat for nights upon nights, tearing at my hair, wondering what else I could possibly put in. I had good guys, bad guys, love, humor, a problem-that was it! I needed a solution for the problem with the Dursleys!  
  
Perhaps the brainiac of books, Hermione, could once again come to the rescue and think of a way to overcome the bloodthirsty Muggles. Yet that was somehow redundant. Should I give Harry or Ron the glory? A lackluster idea. Or-it had happened in the fourth book and I'd loved it-Harry's parents could help him come up with the answer!   
  
I knew that would be my decision then and there. The Potters would somehow come back through a memory of Harry's, and while conversing with them inside his head, he'd find out the answer to his problems!  
***  
  
Don't Cry for Us Harry Potter  
To be sung by Lily and James Potter  
  
Both:  
  
It won't be easy-but please don't cry  
  
As we try to explain how we feel.  
  
That you still have our love after all that's been done.  
  
We believe in you, son  
  
And in you we see the young babe we once knew  
  
Although he's grown so brave and strong.  
  
Reflections of ourselves in you.  
  
  
Lily  
  
I had to let it happen, I had to die  
  
Couldn't let him take over the world.  
  
Looking out of the window, remembering you  
  
And I chose rightly.  
  
Now you run around and try everything new  
  
And everything impresses you  
  
Like I always expected it to.  
  
  
Both:  
  
Don't cry for us Harry Potter  
  
The truth is, we'll never leave you  
  
All through your wild days,  
  
Your mad existence.  
  
And you've shown promise.  
  
Seen from a distance.  
  
And as for fortune, and as for fame  
  
Though you never invited them in  
  
You should know, they are less than you really deserve  
  
For they're illusions,  
  
You know they're not the solutions you'd want them to be  
  
The answers are inside your heart.  
  
(Each of them separately) I love you and hope you love me.  
  
Don't cry for us Harry Potter...  
  
Don't cry for us Harry Potter  
  
The truth is, we'll never leave you  
  
All through your wild days  
  
Your mad existence  
  
You've shown such promise!  
  
Seen from a distance.  
  
  
James:   
  
Our time is running out, we've one last thing to say to you.  
  
You need only search your heart to know that every word is true.  
***  
  
Now my play was almost complete. There was only the very last scene to be dealt with. I had decided upon that scene months ago, so this would be easy. Harry, Ron, and Hermione, with a bit of help from Dumbledore, show the Dursleys the meaning of love, and give Gilderoy Lockhart his ideal birthday gift-harmony between all magic and non-magic people.  
***  
  
What the World Needs Now is Love  
To be sung by Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and company  
  
  
Harry:  
  
What the world needs now is love, sweet love.   
  
It's the only thing that there's just too little of.  
  
What the world needs now is love, sweet love.  
  
No, not just for some, but for everyone.  
  
  
Ron:   
  
Lord, we don't need another castle  
  
Hogwarts is big enough for us all to grow in.  
  
There are lakes and forests enough to brave  
  
Enough to last until the end of time.  
  
  
Harry and Ron:  
  
What the world needs now is love, sweet love.  
  
It's the only thing that there's just too little of.  
  
What the world needs now is love sweet love.  
  
No not just for some, but for everyone.  
  
  
Hermione:  
  
Lord, we don't need any more money  
  
There are pounds and sickles enough to spend.  
  
There are sunbeams and moonbeams enough to shine.  
  
Listen Mr. Dursley, for you ought to know.  
  
  
All:  
  
What the world needs now is love, sweet love.  
  
It's the only thing that there's just too little of.  
  
What the world needs now is love, sweet love.  
  
No not just for some, but for everyone.   
  
No not just for some, oh, but for just everyone.  
***  
  
And so at last, my masterwork was complete. Ah, it felt good. A new Harry Potter story in which I, T. M. Riddle, was not the bad guy! Haha! Life is good. Sheesh, I mean, so I killed a few people! It's not like I don't have the capacity to be a world famous playwrite! That'll show the world! What? You're still there? Uh-oh...gotta go.   
***  
  
A/N: So...odd, huh? Anyway, hoped it was okay. Feel free to tell me what you think, unless you didn't like it! Relax, I'm just kidding!  
  
Disclaimer: As you all undoubtedly know, all the Harry Potter Characters, including Tom Riddle, belong to the brilliant J.K. Rowling. Yeah. Kill the Beast belongs to whoever wrote Beauty and the Beast (I do know who that is, I just can't think of it right now!) Oops! I Did It Again belongs to Britney Spears. I Touch Myself belongs to the Divinyls. Don't Cry for Me Argentina belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice. What the World Needs Now Is Love belongs to Burt Bacharach. I hope that's it. Bye!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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